TOW the Self Parody
by Champers
Summary: A little fun poking at my own expense .... not to be taken seriously.


**A/N A piece of oneshot nonsensical self indulgence that amused me to write, and I thought I would post in case it amused others...to be taken with a pinch of salt and tongue firmly in cheek .**

As Chandler cheerfully entered Central Perk he was struck by just how beautiful Rachel looked, sitting on the couch , perusing some fashion magazine or other, gracefully moving a stray length of hair from across her eye.

"Oh crap," he muttered, "Not again."

He flopped down next to her.

"Rache..." he said, more gently than he intended to.

"Chandler?" and she fixed her gaze with his, smiled, and understood as he leaned to stroke her cheek.

"We're in Champers' imagination again," he sighed.

Her eyes rolled and she set aside her magazine. "Again?"

"Yes. We're going to have to have implausible sex later."

Rachel raised her eyebrows. "Bummer."

Chandler agreed and hid his smugness."Isn't it ?"

She leaned forward to pick up her latte mug and took a long sip.

"At least," Rachel mused,"She never gets me knocked up, or in a car crash."

"No," agreed Chandler. "I'll grant her that. And I have never been kidnapped and assaulted or shot or lost my memory."

"How do you know?"

"?"

"Well, you wouldn't remember, would you?"

He nodded agreement.

A chirpy female voice called,"Hi, guys!"

"Pheebs!" they greeted her in unison and Phobebe eyed them suspiciously.

"It's Champers again, isn't it?"

They nodded.

"Well," she said as she settled back and dropped her huge bag."I think it's kinda nice ... for Chandler more than you, Rachel, obviously."

"She likes you too, though," put in Chandler, a little put out.

Phoebe snorted. "We're both flakey.That's why. " She leaned in conspiratorially. "So, how's Ross going to take it this time do you think?"

Rachel threw up her hands."Who can tell. Sshhhh - here he is."

Ross stopped to pick up a coffee at the counter and greeted them, but immediately could feel the atmosphere. His brown eyes widened. "What? What is it?"

Rachel and Chandler exchanged glances and held hands.

Ross set down his cup. "Again?"

They nodded, steeling themselves for either Angry Ross or Sad Ross; they weren't sure which was preferable.

Ross waited a moment and his mouth twitched.

"I don't know what to say," he said.

Phoebe was disgusted. "She should plan more. She does this stuff by the seat of her pants and we never know where we're going!"

Ross shook his head, "Well, that's not entirely fair, remember how the Creators kept changing stuff ..."

Phoebe conceded this. "That asides, I miss Joey when we're in Champers' imagination, he's not around enough."

With that Joey and Monica came through the coffee house door as if by magic and joined them.

"You look beat, Joe," commented Chandler.

"Yeah, well..." he shifted uneasily. "We're in Champers' imagination right now, she finds me ...tough to write for...so I get alot of " he cocked his head and grinned - "action - so that I'm out of the way."

The others smiled and nodded understandingly.

"What about me?" asked Monica in a small voice.

"What about you honey?" said Rachel in a patronising tone, tapping Monica's knee.

"What season is this anyway?" asked Joey a propos of nothing, looking around hungrily for mini muffins. No-one seemed sure.

Phoebe had an idea. "Check out Rachel's hair!"

They turned to Rachel but she had a nondescript sleek shoulder length side parting, not the bouncy shag, not the bob.

"Hey!" she became defensive. "Checkout Monica! Is she absurdly thin?"

They looked.

"Kind of," said Phoebe.

"Yep. Far too skinny," concurred Joey.

Chandler nodded knowingly. "Season Five."

And they all laughed and agreed with a general murmur.

Ross' watch bleeped.

"Uuhhh, Mon," he said," We're due in a fatal car crash on the Interstate at dusk with another writer, we better get going."

Her shoulders slumped. "Am I pregnant this time ?" she asked wearily.

"Well I don't know... I think you're driving though."

"Oh great! That means it's my fault and I 'm drunk!" She became a little angry. "Howcomes it's never Rachel in the crashes ?"

Rachel smiled sweetly. "I'm too popular, honey."

Monica saw red but was restrained for the moment by her current characterisation.

"I'm here to always steal your thunder, don't you realise that ?" added Rachel.

Monica unexpectedly broke away and went for Rachel's sleek hairdo, just grasping it with her fingertips, and pulling her head close to her mouth.

"Listen to me, prom Queen," she growled,but so quietly the others couldn't hear ."Your movie career's gonna suck. And I'm gonna have the TV hit. So don't mess with me."

Rachel allowed Monica her moment and let her release her before sitting serenely back on the couch.

She paused.

"But I get to do it with your future husband in this one, _Mon_!" she added tartly.

Monica rose to grab Rachel again but Ross caught her.

"You always stole my thunder!" Monica screamed. "Every time! My engagement, my wedding, everything !"

She started to shout, and the others looked embarrassed.

Gunther appeared. "Erm, I hate to make an unexpected appearance but Rachel, I'm in Season One and I need help out back ..."

She was cross. "Gunther - is that the truth?"

He glared at Chandler and scuttled away.

"He's just pissed that hardly anyone mentions him," observed Phoebe, and they all nodded.

"Yeah, but who writes about you, Peebs!" laughed Ross; and suddenly realised he had gone maybe too far as she gave him the evil eye.

"Mock away, Canon-Couple- Story-Boy," she said contemptuously.

He settled back, annoyed and changed the subject back. "Champers hardly writes about me, either, but at least she dosnent use bad spellin and grammer like what some does."

"Yeah, your right," added Chandler.

There was a minute's reflection.

"Well," said Ross at last,looking at his watch, "We need to be going, Mon..."

Chandler rose also. "I'm flying to Yemen at 8pm in a re-run, be back later, Rache."

"What about us?" asked Joey and Phoebe almost in unison.

"You just hang out here, no-one will notice,"smiled Rachel.

After the others left they waited a moment.

"Where are the credits?" asked Joey.

"This is a fanfic,sweetie, there aren't any," Rachel pointed out.

"So how does it end?"he asked, worriedly.

Rachel glanced at Phoebe as if to say, 'how do I break this to him?' and Phoebe looked back as if to answer, 'You have to tell him.'

Rachel steeled herself. "Joey, honey, most fanfics..."she gulped,"most fanfics... they never get finished..."

Joey searched her face, looked to Pheebs for reassurrance; none came.

"But...but...that's just ...mean!"

Rachel rubbed his thigh affectionately."I know, honey, I know."

"So what shall we do here?" he asked.

"We'll wait," said Phoebe. "We'll just wait."

There was a very long pause.

"You know, it'll never end," said Phoebe. "We're caught in a loop. We're at their mercy. They'll watch us forever. They'll talk about us. They'll write about us. It'll never end."

Rachel leaned forward and they knew she was about to disagree.

"We're immortal," she said. "We're immortal, because of this.It's a good thing."

Phoebe sighed. "Or we're stuck in an endless loop. We **should **go, we **should **get out..."

Rachel looked at Joey,by now snoozing fitfully on the couch. "_He_ tried. Look how that turned out."

The two women regarded each other, mournfully.

But they did not move.


End file.
